To stand by your cheating man or kick him to the curb, is not a decision any woman wants to make, but many have after their philandering mates were caught and not every woman chooses to move on.
According to research by Peggy Vaughan, author of ‘preventing affairs’, up to 75% of couples rocked by an affair stay together.
This script digs deep into why women choose to stick it out, even after discovery of their partners’ numerous indiscretions.
Most women with children hold onto their marriages for the sake of providing for their children stability in a family, by choosing to look the other way when the man becomes unfaithful. Most cases a man can be a poor husband, but an excellent father to his children, so out of fear of taking that away from her children she chooses to suffer in silence and make sure her little ones are comfortable.
Grace Aketch, a mother of five children and resident of Katabi Wakiso married to an Engineer, revealed that her husband is the best dad she could have gotten her children, he loves them and provides for all their necessities, and is always present at their most important milestones in their life.
However, according to Aketch when it comes to being a husband, he is not satisfied with one woman, he will settle for a month and another he is out looking for a new woman.
“I walked out twice, with my children and rented a house in the neighbor so that they don’t miss their father, but before I knew it he had moved in to the children’s room, saying he can’t live a day without his children, we had to move back in with him,” said Aketch.
The fear by women to start all over again is far greater than living with a cheating spouse, to women these insecurities are so strong that it will affect their self- esteem and believe they cannot handle the dynamics of starting and nurturing a new relationship.
Some religious beliefs help in brainwashing women to believe, once one is married there is no exit, for better or worse one has to stick it out, no divorce allowed.
The greater group of married and unemployed women, fear losing the financial support rendered to them by their husbands, women get so comfortable with the man providing that they cannot imagine not being provided for.
The working class married women may walk out, but if one has been used to higher standards of living may not want to let that go, hence staying.
According to Gilda Carle, Ph.D., creator of Dr Gilda.com author of ‘He’s not all that’ says an ex-wife’s standard of living drops more than 25%.
Both families in most cases play a very big role in influencing the lady’s stay in a marriage.
– The girl’s family believes once their daughter is married, there is no room back home for her, especially mothers who will convince their daughters based on their own life- experience of how she stayed with the girl’s father and endured all challenges to stay in her marriage. And if they benefit financially from the man they will fight it.
– The in –laws family, taking a liking to the daughter in law and don’t want her to walk out on their son, as they believe she is the right wife material for their son, who has to forgive and hold the family together.
Fear of what society and friends would say
Adding insult to injury, a divorcing wife risks breaking up her social circle as well, especially if it was exclusively of other married couples. Sad but true: A solo woman is considered a threat to the stability of other relationships and married friends often pull away.
“If you live in a community where marriage is touted and single women are shunned, do you want to become an outcast because your husband did this?” asks Susan Shapiro Barash, author of little white lies, deep dark secrets: the truth about why women lie
Other factors like love, witchcraft, bandwagon effect, good sex, respect from society, are listed as reasons tied to the fear of leaving cheating men.
If 75% of women stay in marriage in spite of cheating husbands, it is therefore wise to assume that other factors cause marriage break –ups, cheating is therefore not looked at as a grave sin to married women.
“As people live, age and grow together, they recognize that they have to give up the dreams of the perfect spouse,” Scott Haltzman, M.D., psychiatrist at Brown University and author of “The secrets of happily married women.”